Love is a powerful force in the world that influences everything we see. Whether it’s the love of clinging to what one has which corrupts connections into mutual destruction, or the love of growth nourishing a healthy relationship. Our society teaches people that when it comes to other humans each person only has enough love to give to one romantic partner, and that everything else is profane. This very view of how love and relationships work does more to make people miserable than most other forces in this world.
The first challenge that this view of what love is, is that we’re taught loving someone means sacrificing yourself for them. In movies, music, novels and all other forms of media, we state that the kind of way a noble or heroic approach to a relationship is to give up everything for the person. This view is that, there’s enough love for one person in me, and that person is not me. Grand gestures can be all well and good, but self sacrifice leads to resentment and the understanding that connection is misery.
This isn’t useful for anything but keeping humans isolated, in pain and associating unity with suffering. Love first and foremost needs to flow into the self. I’ve grown and become blessed as I’ve crafted a love for myself in many ways. I practice self care not because it’s what I “should do” but because I connect with the feelings of love with myself of eating a good meal, having an amazing class of yoga, meditation, or having a discussion with someone about my favorite topics. I find that when I prioritize loving myself, I’m able to connect more deeply with others because I’m not in this state of craving which forms toxic relationships. I have varying levels of success with this, some days I do better than others, but over the last few years it has been a trend in my life to care for myself more and as a byproduct my care for others has improved.
When coming from a place of self love, there’s not that forced need for the other in order to feel complete. You are not two halves coming together to make a whole, you are wholes coming together to mutually grow and connect with joy. Because I have this viewpoint, I’ve never stopped loving any of my exes, I’ve just become aware that we’re not mutually beneficial for one another at this point in time and our paths needed to diverge so that we can grow in our different ways.
Love is like a garden. If you continually give other people your seeds without planting any of your own, you’ll feel lacking and in a state of scarcity. If you give those seeds to yourself and plant wonderful plants, they’ll sustainably make seeds which you can share. The special flowers and fruits of your self love benefit you and your partner(s) more than giving them meager seeds.
Just as the myth that there’s only love for the other in a relationship, is the lie that people can only love one partner. People are taught that they can love one other person and that loving more than one person means they somehow love the person less. This is a scarcity viewpoint of love, that it’s an incredibly limited resource and that being exceptionally cautious with how you share it is the only way things will work. This viewpoint is used to keep people disconnected so that people view relationships with care as something to compete for as opposed to something to collaborate with.
Viewing love as a garden, and each person’s love as a type of plant we can see that plants can grow synergistically together. Just like corn, beans, and squash mutually enhance the soil in ways that benefit the others, having diverse and healthy relationships of love is also mutually beneficial. Once you love yourself and your garden is overflowing with your fruit it’s a caring perspective that wants many who align to be able to benefit from the fruits of your labor. Doing this is not an easy task. It requires having clear and open communication with your partner(s) in order for things to flow in a healthy way. This is true for both monogamous and polyamorous relationships.
People have fears and jealousy, they’re complex beings, not idols on pedestals. Love is the emotion that reaches down into the most vulnerable core of their being. This is a place to tread with respect, it’s a sacred space that you’ve been invited as a guest, treat it as such. Each person knows their sacred space more than anyone else does. As such, communicating about things clearly is a necessity, they know how they want their sacred space treated. This means wildly different things for different people. Some have their sacred space nourished by hearing all of the wonderful details of the love you share with others. Some just would like brief explanations that something is happening. Some prefer warning before an action is taken.
This becomes doubly important if other partners interact with the primary, whether it be romantically, as coworkers, or anything else. How your relationship is with your other partner(s) influences how your partners interact with each other.
Before you implement a polyamorous approach to love in your, check out resources online. There are a lot of people who are exploring this powerful space in the world and plenty have developed excellent techniques or encountered challenges that they can help you avoid. Be informed, patient and compassionate with those you care for, this includes yourself.
May connecting with these views on love support people in being able to build deeper connections with both themselves and others. May your garden of love grow with the most delectable array of delicious treats reality has to offer and this abundance overflow into the lives of those around you.
With much love, be blessed.
— Isicera